SQUIRREL ALERT: Unpatriotic Squirrel Steals American Flags from Vet

According to a recent intelligence report from La Crosse, Wisconsin, a rogue squirrel has been spotted stealing small American flags from the property of a Korean War veteran. Doug Olson, the victim of this horrific crime, witnessed the squirrel as it snatched one of his flags and scampered away. The furry rodent is still at large.

This report is strikingly similar to another incident that took place at Eau Claire's Forest Hill Cemetery back in September of 2006. No arrests were made in that case either.

The implication is all too clear: a squirrel terrorist cell is operating in neighboring Wisconsin while Minnesota's borders are left virtually unprotected. In light of this, the Squirrel Threat Level will remain at High.