Now gluten-free!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

I don't know the original source of this compilation, but ht my sister-in-law Cyndy.

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE! The chicken NEEDED CHANGE!!

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need
to engage in cooperation and dialog with all the chickens on the other
side of the road.

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Altho ugh I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

To die in the rain. Alone.

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicke n crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

It is the nature of chickens to cro ss the road.

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of

I invented the chicken!

Did I miss one?

Where's my gun?!

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

June 12 is Carbon Belch Day

Speaking of global warming, one group of skeptics is planning to launch "Carbon Belch Day":
    Conservative grassroots group wants people to waste as much energy as possible on June 12 by "hosting a barbecue, going for a drive, watching television, leaving a few lights on, or even smoking a few cigars."

    The point: the group wants to "help Americans break free from the 'carbon footprint guilt' being imposed by Climate Alarmists."
Sign me up!

Proof of Life on Jupiter

According to NASA, the giant planet is experiencing global warming:
    For about 300 years Jupiter's banded atmosphere has shown a remarkable feature to telescopic viewers, a large swirling storm system known as The Great Red Spot. In 2006, another red storm system appeared, actually seen to form as smaller whitish oval-shaped storms merged and then developed the curious reddish hue. Now, Jupiter has a third red spot, again produced from a smaller whitish storm. All three are seen in this image made from data recorded on May 9 and 10 with the Hubble Space Telescope's Wide Field and Planetary Camera 2. The spots extend above the surrounding clouds and their red color may be due to deeper material dredged up by the storms and exposed to ultraviolet light, but the exact chemical process is still unknown. For scale, the Great Red Spot has almost twice the diameter of planet Earth, making both new spots less than one Earth-diameter across. The newest red spot is on the far left (west), along the same band of clouds as the Great Red Spot and is drifting toward it. If the motion continues, the new spot will encounter the much larger storm system in August. Jupiter's recent outbreak of red spots is likely related to large scale climate change as the gas giant planet is getting warmer near the equator.
So, how do I know that there is life (probably human) on Jupiter? Because, as everyone (or at least Al Gore) knows, climate change is only brought about by human activity. Therefore, we can logically conclude that life exists on Jupiter.

Friday, May 23, 2008

The State of Hockey

I reside in the State of Hockey. Many people here live and breathe the sport. I'm not one of them.

Which is probably why I thought this was hilarious:

Can you tell I'm a football fan?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dollars and Scents

If you were to see a headline like, say, "U.S. Court: Paper Money Discriminates Against Blind," you'd probably dismiss it as a piece from The Onion. Well, you'd be wrong:
    A federal appeals court says paper money discriminates against blind people.

    The U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit has upheld a ruling that could force the U.S. to redesign its money so blind people can distinguish between values.

    Such changes could include making bills different sizes, including raised markings or printing oversized numbers for people who see poorly.

    The appeals court ruled 2-1 on Tuesday that the U.S. didn't explain why such changes would be an unreasonable burden, especially since many other countries have done so.
How about scratch and sniff currency? "Say, do you have two gingerbreads for a licorice? Yes, a gingerbread and five peanut butters would be fine."

On second thought, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea. You just know someone would complain that kind of currency would be discriminatory against people with colds or brittle fingernails. Or peanut allergies.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Listen To My Story 'Bout A Man Named Jones...

I've been starting to notice all the promotional photos for the new Indiana Jones movie, and it's struck me that as Indy starts showing his age, he's starting to look a little like...
OK, maybe only a little. Still, funny how I never see Indiana Jones and Jed Clampett on my Burger King cup at the same time....hmmmm.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Back in My Day...

Today's generation of spoiled brats -- what with their NetFlix, iTunes, and P2P file sharing programs -- have no idea what we had to go through to rent a movie:

Yes, life was hard back in the old days.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Using Your Noggin

One of the biggest problems I have with Major League Baseball is that there aren't enough bloopers. The sport could use more incidents like the one that occurred in last night's game:
    A fly ball by Dustin Pedroia to right almost turned into a blooper-reel play when the ball hit off [Michael] Cuddyer's glove and bounced up onto the bill of his hat. After a quick bounce to two on the bill, the ball happened to fall down to the left and right into Cuddyer's glove.

    For the team's renowned magician, it almost looked like a bit of a magic act. Well, not so, if you ask Cuddyer.

    "Hands down that was the probably the ugliest catch I've had in my career," Cuddyer said with a laugh.
You can see the video of the catch here.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Iowa Needs More Thin Ice

From today's Des Moines Register:

A man was hit by a train Saturday afternoon as he reportedly tried to put a coin on the railroad tracks.

Robert Wrisberg, 47, of Davenport was struck in the head by a ladder on a railcar near the end of the train, said his nephew, Kyle Ostrander, who was with Wrisberg at the time.

“I tried to pull him out of the way, but he was knocked out,” Ostrander said. “We were just messing around. I hope he’s OK.”

Ostrander called 911 on his cell phone and tried to revive his uncle until a rescue crew arrived. He said Wrisberg was breathing and conscious when rescue workers arrived.

The accident occurred about 2:25 p.m.

Rescue workers had to use a system of ropes, harnesses and a rescue basket to lift Wrisberg up a rocky incline to street level and into an ambulance.

He was taken to Genesis Medical Center in Davenport. A condition report was not immediately available.

OK, I enjoy seeing a squashed coin as much as the next guy, but the usual convention is to lay it on the tracks, and then leave before the train comes! He was 47. Where I come from, these sort of guys usually fall through thin ice in their pickups before age 30. I guess where nature isn't harsh enough to wean out the stupid, the railroad has to take over.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The War Still Isn't Over

In contrast to our illustrious executive chef, Lee, I'm born a Yankee, and therefore inclined to consider the Civil War to have been over for awhile (like for over a century). But, perhaps I'm wrong after all. It's at least not over in Chester, Virginia.


The American Civil War has claimed another casualty. Sam White, a memorabilia collector, found a Civil War-era shell, took it to his Virginia home and it detonated in his driveway.

Hear the full story on NPR.

No word yet on Mr. White's political sympathies, or whether it was a Union or Confederate shell. So, it's still not certain whether this was a combat casualty or a friendly-fire accident.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Big Game

G.I. Joe knows how to handle a squirrel.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Play with Your Food

I wasn't a music major in college, so I never had to take Intro. to Handmade Vegetable Musical Instruments. Nevertheless, I found this video to be quite educational (even if it is in Japanese):
As impressive as this is, you have to agree that Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor sounds much better on the organ than it does on the organic tomato. Still, be sure to check out the rest of his videos here.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

So Construction Really CAN Move Fast!

Ever since last year's tragic collapse, I've been looking forward to the end of the detour we currently have to take when driving up I-35 from our digs in Des Moines to Lee and Dawn's house. I'm sure Twin Cities commuters (one of which I used to be) are looking forward to the new bridge that much more. So, it's nice to hear that a bridge can actually be constructed pretty quickly, when it becomes important enough. Here's an excerpt from the MN Public Radio website:

Minneapolis (AP) — Work on the new Interstate 35W bridge is progressing so well that construction managers said Saturday they expect to open it by mid-September instead of late December as originally scheduled.

Managers for Flatiron Constructors Corp. said during a weekly public tour of the construction site Saturday that the bridge is 65 percent complete, and they could begin hanging concrete segments over the Mississippi River as soon as May 14 or 15. That's three months earlier than originally scheduled.

That almost makes me worry that some news is going to break about how they ordered the whole bridge pre-fab from IKEA. If they did, I hope they're figuring out all that funny hardware! Nothing like getting thrown for a loop on those goofy hidden cam-screw things.

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