Now gluten-free!

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Conspiracy Theorist's Dilemma

We finally have eyewitness testimony that the U.S. government has been covering up evidence of extraterrestrials! From the Daily Telegraph:
    Former NASA astronaut and moon-walker Dr. Edgar Mitchell -- a veteran of the Apollo 14 mission -- has stunningly claimed aliens exist.

    And he says extra-terrestrials have visited Earth on several occasions -- but the alien contact has been repeatedly covered up by governments for six decades.

    Dr. Mitchell, 77, said during a radio interview that sources at the space agency who had had contact with aliens described the beings as 'little people who look strange to us.'

    He said supposedly real-life ET's were similar to the traditional image of a small frame, large eyes and head.

    Chillingly, he claimed our technology is "not nearly as sophisticated" as theirs and "had they been hostile", he warned "we would be been gone by now".

    Dr. Mitchell, along with with Apollo 14 commander Alan Shepard, holds the record for the longest ever moon walk, at nine hours and 17 minutes following their 1971 mission.

    "I happen to have been privileged enough to be in on the fact that we've been visited on this planet and the UFO phenomena is real," Dr. Mitchell said.
Wait a minute... He claims to have walked on the moon? How are we supposed to trust a guy who is part of one of the biggest conspiracies in the history of conspiracies?

Dr. Mitchell, if you want to salvage any credibility at all, you will admit to your role in faking the moon landings, and that all the footage we saw was shot in a studio in Area 52. (Yeah, that's right. We know Area 51 is just a decoy.) Come on, Dr. Edgar Mitchell (if that is your real name). Don't you think you owe America the truth?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Who's the Leader of the Church That's Made for You and Me?

The Pope was presented with a pair of Mickey Mouse ears last week. It was a gift from an Orange County, CA delegation to the Pope's "World Youth Day" event in Sydney, Australia.

Read full story here.

They say he didn't put them on, but just smiled. Ah, but that's just reported by people who were in the room at the time. I have my sources. Turns out he secretly stopped by a local "Glamour Shots" a few hours later just to have this photo taken. Don't ask me how I got a copy, or I might have to kill you.

Sources say he was singing to himself under his breath:

"B-E-N, E-D-I, C-T-X-V-I
Benedict... Benedict...
Forever let us hold our mitre high (high, high, high!)..."

Sing along if you know it! Bonus points if you can chant it in Latin, Mode VIII, with the appropriate "Glory Be" sequence at the end.

Monday, July 21, 2008

My Condiments to the Chef

OK, be honest. How many of these things do you have stashed away in your fridge, kitchen drawer, and/or glove compartment?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Nuttin' but Stringz


Visit their official web site here.

Lights Out for Freedom

With the signing into law of the Energy Independence and Security Act of 2007 on December 19, 2007, the federal government once again exceeded its constitutional limitations by dictating how Americans should light their homes. The bill effectively bans most incandescent light bulbs in favor of costlier (and uglier) compact fluorescent light (CFL) bulbs.

The reasoning (for lack of a better term) behind the legislation is to force Americans to save energy. It is also intended to encourage the U.S. to become more energy independent, which is a joke because all CFL bulbs are made in China and will have to be imported.

Of course, there is the inherent problem of owning CFL bulbs. They contain mercury and can pose certain health risks if they happen to break. And you can't just sweep it up and throw it away. The EPA has outlined the following government-approved safety procedure:
    Before Clean-up: Air Out the Room
  • Have people and pets leave the room, and don't let anyone walk through the breakage area on their way out.
  • Open a window and leave the room for 15 minutes or more.
  • Shut off the central forced-air heating/air conditioning system, if you have one.

    Clean-Up Steps for Hard Surfaces
  • Carefully scoop up glass pieces and powder using stiff paper or cardboard and place them in a glass jar with metal lid (such as a canning jar) or in a sealed plastic bag.
  • Use sticky tape, such as duct tape, to pick up any remaining small glass fragments and powder.
  • Wipe the area clean with damp paper towels or disposable wet wipes. Place towels in the glass jar or plastic bag.
  • Do not use a vacuum or broom to clean up the broken bulb on hard surfaces.

    Clean-up Steps for Carpeting or Rug
  • Carefully pick up glass fragments and place them in a glass jar with metal lid (such as a canning jar) or in a sealed plastic bag.
  • Use sticky tape, such as duct tape, to pick up any remaining small glass fragments and powder.
  • If vacuuming is needed after all visible materials are removed, vacuum the area where the bulb was broken.
  • Remove the vacuum bag (or empty and wipe the canister), and put the bag or vacuum debris in a sealed plastic bag.

    Clean-up Steps for Clothing, Bedding and Other Soft Materials
  • If clothing or bedding materials come in direct contact with broken glass or mercury-containing powder from inside the bulb that may stick to the fabric, the clothing or bedding should be thrown away. Do not wash such clothing or bedding because mercury fragments in the clothing may contaminate the machine and/or pollute sewage.
  • You can, however, wash clothing or other materials that have been exposed to the mercury vapor from a broken CFL, such as the clothing you are wearing when you cleaned up the broken CFL, as long as that clothing has not come into direct contact with the materials from the broken bulb.
  • If shoes come into direct contact with broken glass or mercury-containing powder from the bulb, wipe them off with damp paper towels or disposable wet wipes. Place the towels or wipes in a glass jar or plastic bag for disposal.

    Disposal of Clean-up Materials
  • Immediately place all clean-up materials outdoors in a trash container or protected area for the next normal trash pickup.
  • Wash your hands after disposing of the jars or plastic bags containing clean-up materials.
  • Check with your local or state government about disposal requirements in your specific area. Some states do not allow such trash disposal. Instead, they require that broken and unbroken mercury-containing bulbs be taken to a local recycling center.

    Future Cleaning of Carpeting or Rug: Air Out the Room During and After Vacuuming
  • The next several times you vacuum, shut off the central forced-air heating/air conditioning system and open a window before vacuuming.
  • Keep the central heating/air conditioning system shut off and the window open for at least 15 minutes after vacuuming is completed.
Call me lazy, but I just think freedom is so much easier.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Party Pooper Politicians

California state Senator Jack Scott (D-Altadena) says he doesn't want to be a party pooper, but that's exactly what he is. What else would you call someone who has proposed a bill to ban helium-filled foil balloons?

The legislation, which would go into effect in 2010, calls for anyone caught selling a helium-filled foil balloon to be fined $100 for each violation. Selling deflated or air-filled foil balloons would still be legal.

Why all the fuss over something that brings joy to so many kids? It seems that these miniature metallic menaces cause hundreds of power outages in California every year.

Yeah. Right.

My guess is that Senator Scott had a bad experience with a balloon as a kid. Perhaps he was traumatized by the clown his mother hired for his fourth birthday party. Maybe some bully stole his balloon as he was skipping home from the carnival. Whatever the reason, this certainly isn't going to win him any popularity contests with today's youth.

For more information, check out

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Holst's "The Planets" Relevant Once More

With the demotion of Pluto from planet to plutoid, Gustav Holst's most famous symphonic work, "The Planets," is suddenly relevant again. The seven-movement suite does not include Pluto and was actually intended to reflect Holst's interest in astrology, which is why a movement dedicated to Earth was never written.

Though Pluto was discovered in 1930, four years before Holst died, he never expressed any interest in composing an eighth movement. Perhaps he was more ahead of his time than we thought.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Hell Hath No Fury... a woman with too much freakin' time on her hands.

I mean, come on:
    In the battle of the sexes, women's magazine editor Cynthia Good said this was a skirmish she had to fight.

    Across Atlanta they stood, orange signs with black letters that read "Men At Work" or "Men Working Ahead."

    Sometimes, the signs stood next to women working alongside the men.

    Good demanded Atlanta officials remove the signs and last week, Atlanta Public Works Commissioner Joe Basista agreed.

    Score one for gender equality, Good said Wednesday.

    "They get it," Good said about the city in a telephone interview.

    Public Works officials are replacing 50 "Men Working" with signs that say "Workers Ahead." It will cost $22 to cover over some of the old signs and $144 to buy new signs, said Public Works spokeswoman Valerie Bell-Smith said.

    Good, founding editor of Atlanta-based PINK Magazine, a publication that focuses on professional women, said she's not stopping with Atlanta.
She must not come from a land down under. Where women glow and men plunder. She can't hear, she can't hear the thunder. She better run, she better take cover.

(What, you're not up on your Australian reggae-influenced rock bands?)

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Squirrel Roundup (July 8, 2008)

  • Terrorist squirrels wage biological warfare
    It seems ground squirrels are trying to wipe out the human race by starting another Black Plague. (More...)

  • Cracking the code
    One researcher is trying to decode the secret language used by ground squirrels. (More...)

  • Ground assault
    Readers of a local California paper suggest ways of fending off ground squirrels. (More...)

  • Nip it in the bud
    Garlic-pepper spray will keep squirrels away from your flower buds. I guess this also means that a little squirt on your neck will keep vampire squirrels at bay. (More...)

  • Squirrels discover the secret to longevity
    That's right: coffee. (More...)

  • Female squirrels are sluts
    Canadian and British scientists have found female red squirrels show high levels of multi-male mating, even with genetically related males. (More...)

  • Wednesday, July 02, 2008

    Speaking of Scatological Things...

    One man's art is another man's enema:

    Makes you wonder what ideas they rejected first! Maybe the world's largest hoe?

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