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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Global Cooling Now a Threat Due to Too Much Conservation

Lemon Harangue News

ST. PAUL, Minn. - For many regions across the country, this is the coldest, snowiest April in over a century. The calendar says that spring has sprung, but freezing Midwesterners beg to differ.

"Our outdoor Easter egg hunt had to be canceled," said Edith Johnson, director of children's activities at the Winona Public Library. "It's just heart-breaking to see 30 frozen little kids wandering around the yard looking for eggs that are buried under eight inches of snow. Sure, I like the snow and cold as much as the next Minnesotan, but enough already!"

Randy Miller, a postal carrier in Duluth, agrees. "I can't believe I'm still walking my route in my long underwear in April. Usually, by this time, I'm in darks socks and shorts. What happened to global warming?"

That's what others are beginning to wonder.

The plight of freezing, snowbound Americans hasn't escaped the notice of environmental activists in the nation's capital. Al Gore was quick to express his sympathies. "I know this weather has been hard on people," he said in a press conference Wednesday. "But how do you think I feel? We've already had three global warming conferences snowed out--and that's money out of my pocket."

What caused this sudden climate shift? The former vice president thinks he may have had something to do with it, citing record sales of hybrid cars and energy-saving light bulbs as contributing factors to the cooler temperatures. "I'm surprised that people took my movie, An Inconvenient Truth, so seriously," he said. "I'm not used to being taken seriously. And while I'm impressed by people's willingness to make sacrifices to fight global warming, my concern now is that there is too much conservation going on."

Gore seemed to backtrack from previous remarks he had made. "Global warming was certainly a grave threat, but I'm afraid now that we may be over-compensating. Yes, I did say that 'this planet has a fever.' But we don't want it to die of hypothermia, either."


Lee R. Shelton, III said...

Master Gore wishes he had that kind of power. Keep on dreaming Al.j

Chris Wilde said...

What's the matter with people this year? We had such an abnormally warm start to the winter, and then people started acting shocked when the winter weather got NORMAL in February/March!

And what's Minnesota without a little surprise snow in April?

Lee Shelton said...

Minnesotans aren't the hearty people they once were. When we were in second or third grade, Mom and Dad had a rule that if it was below zero, we had to wear our snowsuits to school. Now, if it drops below zero, they cancel school and the kids go to an indoor water park.

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